We’ve received a number of great questions on our last article, “How to Think About Young Men,” and would like to post a few, with our answers, over the next few days. We were proud of the young lady who asked this question, for her thoughtfulness in taking even the relationships of her youth seriously.
How should a 14-year-old girl interact with boys? Should it be different than how a grown young woman interacts with young men, and if so, how?
We believe the principle is the same, regardless of your age or theirs: view them as brothers. Treat them respectfully, look out for their best interests, view them with charity and understanding, and do not put stumbling blocks before them.
However, when wondering who a 14-year-old girl should interact with and how, there is more to the equation than the gender factor. We know from Scripture that young people can be foolish (Proverbs 22:15). Scripture also says that “He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.” (Proverbs 13:20
The danger here isn’t just boy-girl relationships. It’s fool-fool relationships. There is this danger in friendships between girls, too. Yet age shouldn’t really be the basis of “discrimination” either, any more than gender. The issue is spiritual maturity.
We ought to choose our friends on the basis of their maturity (or if they’re younger, teachability) and interest in the things of God, and spend time together depending on how edifying and constructive that time can be. Proverbs 14:7 instructs us to “Go from the presence of a foolish man, when thou perceivest not [in him] the lips of knowledge.”
There are occasional exceptions to the following observation – but, at your age, friendships with peers will generally be less fruitful than friendships with those older and wiser than you, whom you can learn from, and those younger than you, whom you can invest in.
Age 14 is a very formative time, when most of us are developing our habits of interaction. We personally would advise you to spend as much of this season as you can around adults, especially the older women in your church. If you also have opportunities for worthwhile brother-sister interaction, by all means make the most of them! (Presupposing that you have the blessing of your parents to do so – see note at the beginning of the previous post) But also be sensitive to the weaknesses of your young brothers — and yourself — at this age of heightened self-consciousness and vulnerability.
A last word: Don’t worry about immature people viewing you as a prude, if you put these principles into practice. Remember, there are worse things to be viewed as than a prude. Like, a fool.
How to Think About Young Men
A number of young women have asked us about relationships with young men. They want to know how a young woman should interact with those of the opposite sex, or should she at all?
Note: Every daughter should look to the guidance of her parents on this. She should know what her father (and mother) think about conversations with strangers, friends, suitors, and potential suitors. The advice in this article presupposes that your father approves of pure conversations and interaction with young men, and that our suggestions would only be applied in the situations and manner he has approved. If the thoughts below represent a different practice than what your father or elders have prescribed for you, continue to follow the direction you have been given by those in jurisdictional authority over you.
The issue of how eligible young people can interact in a pure and comfortable way has been considered by wiser and more mature minds than ours. However, we would like to submit a few thoughts as two young people currently navigating these waters ourselves, and having listened to the perspectives of many friends, both male and female, on this issue.
In this post we will be offering some collected observations from the most mature young people we know (with a heavy dose of advice from the older and married, our parents most of all).
It is generally known that Christians are supposed to interact as brothers and sisters in Christ, but during the highly-charged season of eligibility, young people in the typical church are not sure how to do this.
Even in family-integrated churches, guys and girls often don’t know how to interact comfortably as brothers and sisters. We usually see this expressed in one of two ways: either flirting and posturing, or shying demurely away from any interaction with the other sex. These two symptoms may seem opposites, but they both stem from the same root problem: a failure to think of the other as “[brothers or] sisters, with all purity” (1 Tim. 5:2)
In other words: thinking of the other sex chiefly as marriage material. This problem can be intensified by the fact that most of us don’t know what a real brother-sister relationship looks like, thus having no foundation or framework to transfer over to our spiritual brothers. Our father has always taught us that understanding the fraternal relationship can help us understand why men and women in the Body of Christ are referred to as brother and sister, and give us the wisdom to gracefully maneuver a season so (potentially) fraught with complexity.
Obviously, there must be some distinctions between how we treat family members and young people outside the family. Because this “eligibility” phase can be volatile, young people need to be extra thoughtful in how they deal with these relationships – not excessively worried about convention, but always thinking carefully about how to love the people around them, considering what is appropriate for the situation, and submitting to the guidelines set by their parents.
In this article, we will not attempt to set forth a code of conduct, or rules of “engagement” between the sexes – rules and safeguards are for your own family to determine as you seek the Scriptures. What we want to explore here is a sisterly attitude toward young men. Remember, our patterns of conduct begin in the heart and mind. We cannot treat young men as brothers until we think of them as brothers. It does not follow that we should throw propriety to the wind and embrace all young men with unconstrained sibling familiarity, but we can identify and follow many of the same principles that we do with our own brothers, without the same level of intimacy.
What does it mean to think of young men as brothers?
What principles of sisterly love are applicable to other young men?
A sister should be looking out for her brother’s best interests. Of course she doesn’t want to see him get hurt, defrauded, or painfully disappointed.
She prays for him, for his future wife and family.
She understands that he is an imperfect human being, with flaws and weaknesses that should be viewed with charity, patience and understanding.
She views him as a fellow human made in the image of God – neither more nor less.
A sister should realize that her brother will answer to God for every word he says, every thought he has, every deed he does – including in his dealings with women. This should put the fear of God into her to not want to see stumbling blocks put before him.
A sister should realize that young men are supposed to be seeking the Kingdom first (as are we! Matt. 6:23). We should not willfully distract them. Ours should be the kind of relationship that will encourage them in their focus on serving God, in their manly endeavors, rather than the kind of relationship that would feed their weaknesses and vanity. Young women can fuel or even ignite a man’s penchant for mere “interaction” – bantering, toying, dallying, trivial exchanges about nothings — a shallow (and selfish) substitute for hearty friendship and substantial conversation.
What the young men say
We have an advantage many girls would love to have – we have five brothers, who all talk openly with us about what they do and do not appreciate in the conduct of young women toward them and their friends. Our brothers have told us they find it easier to think of and treat a young lady as a sister in Christ, when she acts like a sister in Christ. Solid young men can usually discern fairly quickly whether a girl is unselfishly looking out for the best interests of her Christian brothers, or views them simply as prospective marriage material – or worse, as objects to sport with. They’re inclined to feel more comfortable around a girl who clearly has no designs or expectations, and uneasy speaking to a girl who seems focused on her eligibility, the matrimonial possibilities, the deep significance of their interaction… (Among other things, the guys can be concerned that their brotherly friendliness will be misconstrued as a mark of intention.)
According to our brothers, they appreciate it when:
A girl seems comfortable and at ease.
A girl talks to them in the same spirit that their sisters do.
A girl is a good conversationalist, well educated and with interesting things to say. (Able to speak intelligently on subjects that will be of general interest to a mixed audience – e.g., topics other than sewing, fad diets, clothes, chick flicks, themselves, etc.)
A girl has a genuine interest in the things of God, and an eagerness to speak of them and discuss them.
They do not appreciate it when:
A girl seems excessively self-conscious and distracted by the fact that AN ELIGIBLE YOUNG MAN IS TALKING TO HER!
A girl exhibits leech-like behavior – however flattering it was intended to be.
A girl is over-aggressively friendly.
A girl demonstrates a Deliberate Shunning of Young Men, complete with avoiding eye contact and hiding behind human shields.
Conclusion
Knowing how to interact with all purity is a test – parents and young people have had to deal with this throughout history, sometimes trying to solve problems through strict societal conventions and rigid codes of conduct.
Standards and rules of decorum should be regarded. The trouble is, they don’t ultimately fix the problems. Only treating the attitudes of our hearts – cultivating agape love, wisdom, thoughtfulness, and the perception and intuition to discern the need of the moment – will help us act like the sisters in Christ we should be.
Girls – consider the young men you know as the future husbands of women the Lord has already chosen. In fact, you can be praying for their wives right now (note: not match-making), and don’t forget to pray for the men themselves, that the Lord will guide and protect them in the choosing of a wife.
Try to act like a sister, not a prospect. Don’t be obsessed with your own eligibility, or theirs either, for that matter. Selfless, honest interaction with young men has the potential to edify, stimulate, educate, inspire and encourage both parties. Don’t complicate, or hinder, these friendships by playing psycho-romantic guessing games.
And finally, ladies – relax! Be joyful. Trust in the sovereignty of God. Be thankful for these opportunities for friendship with the children of God. Remember that these young men are precious souls blood-bought by Christ, and fellow soldiers in His cause. Let us build friendships that will continue long after this season of singleness is past, and into eternity.
A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. — John 13:34
How to Help Our Men Fight the Real Battle (On the Home Front)
Watching our five brothers grow up has been fascinating and sobering, especially when we consider the amount of influence we have had, for good or for ill, to affect the men they have become. Scripture and history are replete with examples of women either building men up or tearing them down by how they relate to them. We personally have seen in numerous cases how much damage a sister can do to her brother’s manly confidence, his willingness to take on responsibility, and the way he views and treats women, if she is not careful. We have also heard some of the manliest young men we know speak glowingly of the positive influence from their sisters. In fact, many of these young men attest that it was their sisters’ love and support that inspired them to become responsible, bold, protective, and confident. [1]
As we look at the battle that surrounds us, we have come to believe that one of the most important things we will ever do, as daughters and sisters and wives and mothers, is to build strength into men and help make them great.
America’s war against manhood
There is a crisis facing our nation’s boys. Their masculinity is under attack. This is no longer a debate; it is a copiously documented fact, actually old news. Bold, commanding masculinity has become pathologized and penalized. We’re not just talking about the rise of metrosexuality, either; over the last century, men have been taught that their leadership is oppressive, their protection is insulting, their authority is tyranny, and their position as the head of the household is utterly illegitimate.
Feminist leader Andrea Dworkin said in her “Root Cause” speech: “Only when manhood is dead - and it will perish when ravaged femininity no longer sustains it - only then will we know what it is to be free.” [2]
Emasculating men was not a new idea, even in the ‘70’s. The cultural revolutionaries who got the foothold in American education and media in the 1930’s were primarily working toward a goal Karl Marx articulated: “to dethrone the patriarchal power in man.” [3]
Men are under constant assault from the media, re-written history books, [4] psychological studies, political correctness and many other weapons of the neo-marxists. Even entire girls’ clothing lines have sprung up to tout misandrous slogans to teach girls to ridicule boys for being boys. [5]
Can’t the nation see that this hurts boys? – it makes them ashamed of being boys, and afraid to become men. They learn that being masculine, responsible and authoritative is a social offense. And the pundits wonder why boys’ performance is plummeting; why their suicide rates are skyrocketing; why their criminal activity has been rising; why so many grow up directionless and afraid of commitment, and why so many refuse to grow up at all. [6]
We’re hearing a cry resounding from women the world over – “Where have all the real men gone?”
Note that even Andrea Dworkin (in the quote above) acknowledged the influence of women on men, and credited femininity with “sustaining” manhood. In a way, her statement was almost prophetic, for the slow, painful death of manhood (largely at the hands of women) is precisely what we are facing thirty years later.
When tempted to bemoan the fact that the men are not rising up to where we think they should be, we should seriously ask ourselves if we have been a part of the problem. Too many sisters spend their youth teaching their brothers to sit down, be quiet, stop asserting themselves, stay in their place, and take orders, only to grow up and wonder where to find a husband with guts and a backbone. The ones who pushed down their own brothers now pray fervently that somewhere out there, there were some sisters who did not do the same to theirs.
Our brothers are already up against a great deal. This man-depleted world needs them to rise above their challenges and become real men, men who can lead families, start churches, reform cultures, make disciples, lead in the gates, and act the man. Our boys need their sisters to stand beside them and help them become these men!
Our Brothers’ Keepers?
Does this place an unnecessary burden on girls, to feel responsible for how their brothers turn out?
Men will answer to God for their own actions – on Judgment Day, they will no more be able to escape responsibility for their sins than was Adam, pointing his finger at Eve and claiming it was all her fault.
And yet Jesus also said to His disciples, “It is inevitable that stumbling blocks come, but woe to him through whom they come!” (Luke 17:1, emphasis added) People are culpable if they sin, but people are also culpable if they cause someone to sin. In addition, we are guilty if we withhold good when it is in our power to give it. (Pro. 3:27)
The fact stands – people do affect and influence each other, and we should feel the weight that responsibility carries. We can make each other stumble (Rom.14,15), we can wound each others’ consciences (1 Cor. 8 ), we can edify each other (Eph. 4:29), we can win each other (Mat. 18:15), we can disciple each other (Mat. 28:19), and we can bear each others’ burdens (Gal. 6:2). [7] This gives all people responsibility in all their relationships. We should love others enough (and be mature enough) to accept this responsibility and use it to help them, rather than protest, as Cain, “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
How to Support our Boys
In addition to talking extensively with our brothers about this, we’ve had long conversations with several young men about the things they appreciate in how their sisters treated them. What we’d like to do now is offer some practical advice on how sisters can encourage their brothers to be men. Here are four of the more important ways we can do this:
Demonstrate Respect. This must be begun by thinking of our brothers as men, and not despising them in our hearts.
There was a time when we withheld demonstrative respect out of a concern that it might swell our brothers’ egos. We also held back giving them our approval or letting them be right, so they would know they had not “arrived” yet. We were sure if we gave them an inch, they would walk all over us, eventually becoming swaggering chauvinists who expected admiration and deference from women as their due.
What we found was the opposite. When brothers are brushed off, they often resort to bravado and bluster to try to impress their sisters into noticing them, but the sense of responsibility that comes with actually being taken seriously tends to sober them up.
As we began trying to demonstrate respect to our brothers, they actually became more humble, more protective, affectionate and generally thoughtful of us, and, interestingly, more respectful. (We found that fighting to maintain a position of superiority did not inspire their respect, and that even little brothers have a justified disdain for high horses.)
Let them assert themselves, lead, and teach you things. As sisters it’s our natural, sinful inclination to suppress our brothers when they try to assert their leadership or authority. We want to rule over them. We want to be better. This is as bad for us as it is for them. It’s time for us to realize that we were created to help, and they were created to lead. Applying this will look different with younger brothers than older, but there will always be areas in which little boys can be trusted to “be in charge,” and you will see them flourish under the responsibility. There will also be subjects they know more about than you (e.g. dinosaurs, weaponry, computers…). Not only is it good for them to be the teacher for a change – you might actually learn something!
Talk with them. Boys are full of ideas that want to be expressed. The ideas may seem silly to you now, and not worth your time to listen to, but it’s good for them to practice thinking through and communicating their thoughts, beliefs, and plans. Our own brothers often tell us how much they appreciate having a sounding board and hearing a woman’s feedback on their developing ideas.
Repent of past wrongs. If you are guilty of pulling your brother down, or have not been as supportive as you should, you should repent, ask your brother’s forgiveness, and resolve to do better. Yes, it is hard – but it is necessary. So that one day when you look at your grown up brother, you will feel thankfulness for the way you invested in him, and not regret.
Today every corner of the globe is crying out for great men. Many women recognize this need, and foolishly try to fill it by dressing up and acting the men themselves. But America doesn’t need pseudo-men. America needs real men that are supported by real women. Those of us who have brothers need to recognize the incredible opportunity and responsibility we have been given – to invest in the lives of tomorrow’s greatest men.
Footnotes:
1. There is a fine line to walk between holding ourselves up as teachers and authorities over men (which Scripture forbids, 1 Tim. 2:12), and using our natural, God-given feminine influence on our brothers carefully and humbly. (You will also notice that in this article we are only speaking to young women, though there is certainly plenty to be said to fellows about how to be better brothers to their sisters. We’re just not the ones to say it.)
2. Andrea Dworkin. “The Root Cause,” speech, 26 Sept. 1975 at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Cambridge (published in Our Blood, ch. 9, 1976).
3. For more information on the war against men, hear our father’s lecture
“Hollywood’s Most Despised Villain.”
4. “All of history must be re-written in terms of oppression of women.” – “The Declaration of Feminism,” November 1971
5. Florida company David and Goliath began in 1999 with a line of “Boys are Smelly” T-shirts. The line became successful and new slogans were added, such as “Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them,” “Boys lie, poke them in the eye,” and “The Stupid Factory, where boys are made.” More information is available here.
Strangely, these T-shirts also come in mens’ sizes.
6. “Statistics collected over two decades show an alarming decline in the performance of America’s boys–in some respects, a virtual free fall. Boys were doing poorly in school, abusing drugs, committing violent crimes and engaging in promiscuous sex. Young males lost ground by many behavioral indicators at some point in the 1980s and ’90s: sharp plunges on some scales, long erosions on others. I was forced to confront a fact that I had secretly known all along: that teens of 30 years ago–my generation–were the leading edge of an epidemic of thugs, dolts and cads.” (“The Myth About Boys,” by David Burnett, TIME Magazine, 2007)
7. More Scriptures on our responsibilities to others:
Rom 14:21 [It is] good neither to eat flesh, nor to drink wine, nor [any thing] whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is made weak.
1Cr 8:12 But when ye sin so against the brethren, and wound their weak conscience, ye sin against Christ. 1Cr 8:13 Wherefore, if meat make my brother to offend, I will eat no flesh while the world standeth, lest I make my brother to offend.
Rom 14:13 Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in [his] brother’s way.
Rom 15:1 We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Rom 15:2 Let every one of us please [his] neighbour for [his] good to edification.
Title image by Norman Rockwell, Advertisement for Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance Company, Springfield
