Where young men and women are friends, is there too great a danger of emotional entanglement?
Few of us have ever seen friendships between young men and women conducted in an entirely pure and honorable way. The guise of “friendship” is often used to excuse a kind of relationship which is inappropriate. All of us have seen a superabundance of pointless and destructive flirtations, and lots of “friendships” that spun out of control and ended in broken hearts and broken relationships. After doing the math, some conclude that it’s safer to avoid co-ed friendships entirely.
We believe the problem is not with friendship, but with sin. Sadly, sin and selfishness are what drive most the relationships of today’s youth.
The word “friendship” has been sullied. The Christian concept of deep, sacrificial friendship has been replaced with something vapid and selfish. We’ve inherited a culture of shallowness, sensuality and consumption, and of friendships only about as deep as our text messages. Many of our generation and our parents’ generation learned how to interact with the other sex in public-school hallways and school buses, and assume that foolish or exploitive relationships are the natural recourse of young people. Many of us now can’t imagine how good Christian boys and girls could engage each other in a safe and constructive way.
Maybe it’s time to redefine “friendship” for our generation.
In 1828, Noah Webster defined it as, “An attachment to a person, proceeding from intimate acquaintance, and a reciprocation of kind offices, or from a favorable opinion of the amiable and respectable qualities of his mind. Friendship differs from benevolence, which is good will to mankind in general, and from that love which springs from animal appetite. True friendship is a noble and virtuous attachment, springing from a pure source, a respect for worth or amiable qualities. False friendship may subsist between bad men, as between thieves and pirates. This is a temporary attachment springing from [self-]interest, and may change in a moment to enmity and rancor.”
A more relevant example than Webster’s “thieves and pirates” (a real threat in his time) might be gambling partners, drinking buddies, or rumormonger friends – people who like to involve others in their folly or sin. In other words, a relationship that exists for what the parties can get out of each other: a fun time, an ego boost, the latest gossip, an opportunity to show off, a romantic thrill-ride, or companionship in their guilt. Webster calls this “false friendship.” It’s not the kind of friendship we’re talking about.
John 15:13 declares, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”
True friendship should involve respect, trust, sacrificial love, and unity in the cause of Christ. There is no room for posturing, foolish bantering, self-interest, or defraudment in friendships like these. This kind of friendship with young men can be extremely edifying and God-honoring.
However, let’s not kid ourselves that there aren’t still dangers crouching at the door. We’re all still frail human beings, even if our motives are good; and we’re still wired to be attracted to one another. Having the right understanding of friendship doesn’t guarantee entanglement-proof relationships. We still need boundaries and safe-guards.
These will be different for every family. Once again, we must stress the importance of submitting to the standards and boundaries established by your parents. Please read the note at the beginning of this series.
In our own family, friends were always something all of us shared in common. We girls have always been friends with our brothers’ friends, and they’ve always been friends with ours. Our friends loved our parents, and our parents were often as close to our friends as we were. We’ve never had an individualistic attitude toward friendships, or an age-segregated or gender-segregated attitude either. This always made our friendships with men more natural and less complicated – they were not our personal friends, but our family friends. Thanks to our wonderful mother, hospitality is a hallmark of our family, and even when we were children, our parents taught us to welcome our guests into the arms of our home and our warm family circle.
As an entire family, we befriended people of all ages and situations and enjoyed their company together. The family context itself is a powerful safeguard in our friendships with young men. It brings a high level of accountability, and a down-to-earth, real-life quality to our interaction.
Our friendships with young men still look somewhat different than the friendships we have with other girls. The young men are not our buddies, companions, or confidantes, and we are not “one of the guys” (or even two of them). With girls we are more casual, intimate and familiar; with the young men there is a level of restraint.
The benefits of friendships with young men are also different. We’re extremely grateful for all that we’ve gained from our discussions with the young men we’re proud to call our friends. Talking to men is iron-sharpening in different ways than talking to women. And hearing a man’s take on life, and getting familiar with how men communicate and think, is extremely helpful for any woman who hopes to spend any part of her life with… well, a man.
Are friendships with young men risky? Well, surely, as any relationships between sinners are. We should take into account our own weaknesses by making sure our friendships with fellows are dignified, restrained, under accountability, and within the family boundaries.
And maybe, in the process, we’ll model godly friendship to a generation that has forgotten what the word means.
