But What If…?
Posted July 31, 2009

Hello Anna and Elizabeth,

…I have one question concerning your book and the mindset my father has raised me and my siblings on. My father believes that it is right to send me and my sister to college to develop skills in our area of interest (like, for me, it is music) so that we have a degree and real-world skills to fall back on just in case something may happen in the future and we need to work. …My father is extremely practical and wants to prepare us for the real world well enough because he knows he won’t be around forever. He wants to prepare us for every circumstance and that means even the thought of 1. never getting married or 2. perhaps our father might die early or, if we marry, our husbands might die early. Is it right to dwell on the worse case scenario and prepare for it?

This world isn’t stable and with the new president in office, times are going to get tough. Life as we know it might change forever and many of the luxuries and ease we’ve experienced may not always be here. So, how does one go about this? I don’t know how to reconcile your writings on preparing at home now and my dad’s wish that we get “real-world” skills to equip ourselves for the future to be able to get a stable job if need be. Our dad would certainly love for us to get married and have families and homes of our own. But he does not believe life will be easy and allow for many of the comforts that many of us once enjoyed. While he is all for preparing ourselves as women at home now, he is also pushing us towards college and being able to fall back on a real job in case everything fails.

Just In Case…

This letter represents most of the “what if” questions nagging at girls who choose to live at home, or are considering doing so. Is living at home and forgoing college and workplace a realistic and sensible decision in our economy? Will we be prepared for “real-world” scenarios and crises, “just in case”?

These are responsible questions to ask, and we commend this young woman for being practical about the vicissitudes of real life and the economy. We believe the Proverbs 31 woman was able to smile at the future (v. 25) not only because she trusted in the sovereignty of God, but also because she made herself ready for it. A sensible education for a girl should prepare her for the most likely scenarios she may face. Of course, if we spend more of our time and money preparing for worst-case scenario than working toward best-case scenario, we may not be ready for God’s best. So how should a girl prepare to be ready for anything, while working toward the ideal? Let’s start by remembering this: The best defense is a good offense.

Strengthening Our Arms… For Work.

Widowhood, never marrying, being orphaned, etc. are very real possibilities. But even in a happy and stable marriage, economic hard times, lay-offs, pay-cuts, etc. are even more real possibilities. Is there a point where a girl may have to set aside her aspirations of being at home “to be practical” — to give up “luxury and ease” to work for money?

Here’s the forgotten principle that made home-working womanhood economically viable once, in good times and bad. Industry is a fundamental feminine virtue. Biblical womanhood has never been about luxury and ease. Biblical womanhood is diligent, resourceful and fruitful, and its axiom is “no lack of gain.”

Work — even paid work — is not something a biblical woman resorts to just when times get tough. Let’s go back to our Proverbs 31 woman. By all measures today, her situation was perfect — successful husband (v23), disposable income (v16) — even maidservants! (v15). Yet what do we see her doing from the darkness of the early morning through the night? Laboring. Producing. Earning. Increasing. Even in her comfortable circumstances, she embraced the privilege of productive work, the holy dignity in labor that the Lord first demonstrated Himself. Of all her virtues (generosity, kindness, wisdom, etc.), this chapter spotlights one virtue more than any other: her industry.

Regardless of our times or circumstances, Christians need to labor; not just to earn money, to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads, but to take dominion of the world under Christ — to increase, to spread civilization, to make disciples of all the nations. The goal isn’t only to sustain ourselves, or to pay for our play, but to increase and multiply. R.J. Rushdoony observes, “In any society where work is seen simply as an economic necessity and fact, there will be a decline in productivity towards the subsistence level. If men only work to eat (or to play) the meaning and the goal of work soon fades away.” (R.J. Rushdoony, Systematic Theology)

But we must define our terms. “Working” does not necessarily mean holding down a steady, paying job in the workforce. Though working is, we believe, a duty for all Christians, men and women alike, we also see in Scripture that God assigns different arenas of work for both. As the “Tenets of Biblical Patriarchy” summarizes it:

13. Since the woman was created as a helper to her husband, the bearer of children, and a “keeper at home,” the God-ordained and proper sphere of dominion for a wife is the household and that which is connected with the home, although her domestic calling, as a representative of and helper to her husband, may well involve activity in the marketplace and larger community. (Gen. 2:18ff.; Prov. 31:10-31; Tit. 2:4-5)

14. While unmarried women may have more flexibility in applying the principle that women were created for a domestic calling, it is not the ordinary and fitting role of women to work alongside men as their functional equals in public spheres of dominion (industry, commerce, civil government, the military, etc.). The exceptional circumstance (singleness) ought not redefine the ordinary, God-ordained social roles of men and women as created. (Gen. 2:18ff.; Josh. 1:14; Jdg. 4; Acts 16:14)

In the Garden of Eden, the curse God gave to the man was that he would have difficulty in providing, while for the woman it was difficulty in bearing children. Man’s duty to provide for his family was affirmed in 1 Timothy 5:8, while the Bible’s instruction to women never indicates that they are to go out to support themselves. Scripture goes into detail about how women without fathers or husbands are to be provided for, and both Old and New Testaments are filled with exhortations to protect and provide for the widows and fatherless. In other words: no matter how strained the circumstances, women should not have to become the vocational helpers of men other than their husbands and fathers for a paycheck.

But this does not mean that women can’t look for creative ways to augment the family income through entrepreneurial endeavors from home. [1] Though it is a man’s duty to provide, providing doesn’t mean creating a luxurious atmosphere where his wife and daughters don’t have to labor or do anything hard. Though we can safely assume the well-respected Mr. Proverbs 31 was a good provider, his wife nonetheless worked with her hands to enrich the lives of others, and increased their income at the same time — from home.

This used to be a mainstay of biblical economics. In times when women used to turn to their spindles and looms rather than to novels and soap operas, they didn’t have to feel financially helpless or useless.[2] Production, rather than consumption and entertainment, was their way of life, and thus their way of life was never in jeopardy. Nor were “real-world skills” something they kept stored away “to fall back on” — “just in case” they lost their life of luxury and ease — they were developing and using them every day.

Real-World Skills

We believe it would be wise for every young lady to amass a number of skills that could be used to generate income. Business, in its most basic sense, involves exchanging goods or services for money. Successful entrepreneurs are the ones who figure out what services are in demand, or needed. They develop marketable skills. We see that the Proverbs 31 woman had multiple marketable skills, and there was a demand for her services: her fine linen sold, and merchants bought her belts (v24). People will always have needs, and any smart girl should be able to spot one and find a way to meet it.

The tricky thing about marketable skills, though, is that they have to be actually marketable. Demands change: what was needed a hundred years ago may be useless to people now, and hand-crocheted doilies cannot compete with web-design today. When considering mastering any skill, we should ask, do people really need this? Our own hobbies, interests and fancies should come in second-place to what people around us need. Girls who learn to think outside of themselves and take responsibility for others will be well-armed to navigate the real world, not only as adults, but as leaders.

Some question that girls who have only lived at home will really be prepared for the “real world.” A real woman should already be living in the real world, whether orphaned, abandoned, widowed, or part of a loving family. Those of us blessed with happy families and comfortable homes shouldn’t use them as a buffer zone from the concerns of the real world, any more than as an excuse to be lazy and incompetent. It would be great if every girl knew how to manage a schedule, plan meetings, buy groceries, pay the bills, defend her faith to antagonists, balance the check-book, take a plane, start a business, give a presentation, change a tire, buy a house, make clothes, deal with emergencies, butcher a chicken, write a book, and learn any new thing as she needs to know it. Living in the real world is actually a great way to learn these real-world skills. Families do these kinds of things all the time, and girls who are very involved in their families’ affairs should get a lot of experience navigating the world the way real people do — even more than those who pay an exorbitant sum of money to learn so-called real-world skills in the artificial, insulated environment of a college campus.

But Don’t I Need a Degree?

That depends on what you want it for. You don’t need a degree to make money, as Bill Gates has sufficiently demonstrated for us. You don’t need a degree to handle or use money, to start a business, to buy low and sell high, to exchange goods and services, to prove that you have a skill, or to produce things people need.

If you want to impress a bureaucratic hiring agency and get a job in the workplace, a degree will likely help; but then, if you are a good businesswoman, you must consider whether this privilege is worth the $100,000+ it generally costs (not counting the time involved) and whether your earnings would equal your investment. One thing that will not help your husband is bringing a mountain of school debt into your marriage. This has happened to many of our friends — some even felt they had to put their dream of motherhood and homemaking on the shelf, even after marriage, so they could work long enough to pay off their degrees.

But even a degree will not guarantee security, any more than not owning a degree will guarantee poverty.

Appealing To Fathers

One thing we appreciated about the letter above is the way the writer demonstrated a respect for her father’s wishes, as a daughter should. We also have a lot of respect for fathers who want their daughters to be well-prepared and capable, ready to take on the world. (We have a father like this ourselves.) If your father loves you enough to care about your future, be especially grateful for him, and do not despair if his methods seem different than yours. A father who has his daughter’s best interests at heart is generally open to sensible, rational and humble suggestions from her — especially if his daughter has established a good rapport with him, and he knows he can trust her to be working with him and not against him. If a daughter thinks she may have discovered a better way, she should be able to appeal to him respectfully from Scripture, and able to suggest solid alternatives. Moreover, she must be able to diligently follow through with those alternatives. Often fathers send their daughters off to college because they know their daughters are not diligent or motivated enough to educate themselves or be productive at home.

Conclusion

The times certainly are uncertain, and more may be required of us as things become more unstable. Three things, however, remain certain:

1. We cannot rely on earthly promises of security (degrees, “stable” jobs) — only on biblical promises of security (the blessings of God upon obedience and diligence). In these unstable times, we will need to rely less on those things that will change and more on the things that will never change. The benefits of government accreditation, paychecks, personal peace and affluence, and the illusion of stability could pass away; the value of hard work, ingenuity, and faith will not.

2. Faithfulness is blessed; compromise is not. We will not deserve the blessing of God if we we respond to calamity by compromising our principles, disregarding gender roles, or acting out of desperation instead of faith.

3. Work is noble, and required of every person — “Not having to work,” or eating the bread of idleness, are not for Christian women. Every girl in every situation should strive after the example of the fruitful Proverbs 31 woman.

Both those who put their trust in a comfortable, easy lifestyle and those who put their trust in worldly pragmatism have reason to fear “what ifs”; but a productive, creative woman full of faith will have no lack of gain. Let us then strengthen our arms, work willingly with our hands, and smile at the future.

“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.” - Matthew 6:33

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Footnotes:

1. When we use the word “home,” we are referring to the borders of the family estate and endeavors. The Proverbs 31 woman’s family was clearly her first priority, and her work was in the context of her family, though it sometimes took her outside her “house.” We believe the principle here is that a woman works with and for her family, within the jurisdiction of her father/husband — whether her family works at home, on the road, in an office, in a family store, or in the fields.

2. This was more true in cultures where the society and economy were established according to biblical principles, such as colonial and pioneer America. In countries where work was despised, and woman’s function and value was primarily a decorative one, women were in a very vulnerable position. In feudal Europe, for example, a young gentlewoman without a wealthy father or large dowry often had to resort to either a mercenary marriage, becoming a spinster governess, relying on the charity of unpleasant wealthy relatives, or “falling into ruin.”

How (Not) To Heat Your Veins and Fire your Brains
Posted April 7, 2009

Many girls have told us they struggle with keeping their hearts and minds pure for their future husbands. It is a difficult task, as God has wired the sexes to be attracted to one another, but also commanded “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” (Proverbs 4:23)

We’ve been asked so often for advice on this that we briefly addressed it in our message “What Our Father Taught Us About Boys,” last week at the Vision Forum 2009 Father-Daughter Retreat. Below are some of my remarks from the message.

Our travels, our work, and especially the fact that we have five brothers and a father who loves to disciple young men, has pushed us into company that is often male-dominant. Here are some practical things our father has taught us to keep our hearts secure and our focus on the things of the Lord.

1. Pray for the young men… and their future wives.

This really helps keep relationships in perspective and facilitates the right kind of sisterly interest in them.  We need to look past this season of singleness and see the eternal perspective. We need to see the young men as more than “marriage material,” but as comrades and co-laborers in Christ’s Kingdom, and we need to pursue the kind of friendships that will outlast this season of “singleness” and continue into eternity.

2. Don’t assume that every attention paid you by a young man is a mark of intention.

If a young man looks at you, opens a door for you, greets you, smiles at you, etc., it might have just been a brotherly gesture. Not only is fantasizing and speculating dangerous, reading too much into young men’s kind deeds also is a great way to discourage gentlemanly conduct.

3. Avoid influences that stir the heart prematurely and tempt you to fantasize over men who are not and will not be your husband.

Music, movies, novels, or just our own sinful imaginations can be dangerous.  Robert Burns wrote a great poem about this:

Oh, leave novels, ye Mauchline belles.
Ye’re safer at your spinning wheel;

Such witching books are baited hooks
For rakish rooks, like Rob Mossgiel.

Your fine Tom Jones and Grandisons,
They make your youthful fancies reel;

They heat your veins, and fire your brains.
An’ then ye’re prey for Rob Mossgiel.

I am not issuing an ultimatum here banning all movies, music and literature. You know down inside what influences arouse your passions, tempt you build false expectations, and make you feel discontent. Matthew 5:29 warns, “If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.”

4. Keep interaction with young men within a family context. Avoid private or very personal interaction (this includes online!).

This is something you need to talk to your parents about and ask them to make guidelines for you.

5. Last but not least, keep the lines of communication with your parents wide-open.

Notice that I said “parents”. Elizabeth and I have put a special emphasis on the father-daughter relationship because this is a father-daughter conference, but most if not all of these principles apply to your mother as well. We have made a habit of sharing everything with our parents, and this includes personal struggles, concerns, and our personal observations and opinions of the young men we know. We have discovered that the more faithfully we do this, the easier it becomes — it can really be the best way of relieving the burden of pent-up anxieties and fears that many girls feel during their singleness.

A lot of girls have confessed to us that they have a really hard time talking to their dads about personal things. Sometimes they complain that their dads don’t come and talk to them enough. We can’t always wait for our fathers to initiate and draw us out — men are never going to be as good at this as we would like them to be. Sometimes we need to take the initiative and start the conversation. Deuteronomy 32:7 says, “Ask your father and he will show you, the elders and they will tell you…” It doesn’t say “Wait for your father to remember to come talk to you.”  Fathers need to tell, but daughters need to ask, and demonstrate to their fathers that they want their council and wisdom. 

Some girls confess to us that whenever they try to go to their fathers to unburden their anxieties or concerns they always end up dissolving into a puddle of tears on the floor before they can get to what they wanted to say.  What makes it worse is that most dads really don’t appreciate this. When girls tell me this, I have a pretty good guess what the problem is — it’s that they wait until there is an emotional crisis to talk to their fathers, instead of making a habit of talking to them often, about everything that is in their hearts. Some of you younger girls might feel like you are too young to be having these serious discussions about young men and marriage with your dad, but I would like to personally implore you to start talking to your father now, about everything that is on your heart, laying the foundation for your relationship, and establish good habits of communication, so that when you are my age (23), and things are more complicated, it will be a whole lot easier.

The Adventures of a Pioneer Bride Down Under
Posted August 28, 2008

Genevieve Smith, our beloved friend and co-laborer, and one of the most visionary and devoted daughters we know, was given in marriage to Pete de Deugd of Ballarat, Australia, earlier this year.

As an unmarried girl, Genevieve was a sterling example of a joyful, creative, gung-ho girl who threw her whole heart into serving her family in their mission. Now that she’s married, she is an example of an intrepid, stalwart, and resourceful pioneer bride.

At age 20 Genevieve left her family, but after a change of heart returned home to help her family in pioneering the homeschool movement in New Zealand. (You can read her testimony here.) She is now tremendously grateful for the ways she prepared for marriage during those years at home — preparing her heart, improving her mind, and strengthening her arms for the adventure of wifehood and motherhood.

Here is a report from Genevieve on these first few months of marriage.

Learning how to use the metal lathe.

Putting away Pete’s tools

Assisting Pete with his welding.

My first stove: two gas rings. We were almost sad to say goodbye
to them when we bought a stove

Pete bought me some Plymouth Rock chickens for my birthday. They represent pioneering and coming to a new land. They are part of his vision for fruitfulness in the savings they will
afford us.

We build a chicken house together.

Pete has been a marvel in building our home. We only have weatherboards to put on two more walls now and then we’ll begin working on the interior: lining, decorating, electricity and plumbing.

Pete introduced me to a machinery junk yard. Not only did it have the fans, engines and hydraulic pumps Pete was looking for, for his business, but it also had this laundry tub in
perfect condition.

Work. Good, honest work.

When Pete and I finished our honeymoon we were both looking forward to getting back to Australia and working together. We knew that working together on projects and in Pete’s sawmilling/woodworking business would add another dimension to our relationship, strengthen our marriage, grow our friendship and be a whole lot of fun!

The first couple of months were full from morning to night. We were settling into married life, Pete was teaching me about his machinery and I was learning how to be a helpmeet to my new husband.

Then God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply…” Genesis 1v28

We thanked the Lord often for the work that He had given us to do. It was a desire we discussed during our courtship that we could be fruitful for the Lord in business, in our personal lives, in every way we could (for example by running a successful and growing business, by assisting other believers and by seeking to grow in character and faith). Pete would set the vision; he would follow the calling God had for him and seek to be fruitful in the areas God wanted him to take dominion. And I would help him to be successful in being fruitful. I would help him to see his vision to completion.

In the Issacharian Daughters newsletter 076 dated 4 February 2008 I said that Pete and I thought it would be prudent for me to take a break from sending out the newsletter for a period while Pete and I got married and established ourselves as a family and while I learned how to help Pete in his work. We hoped Lord willing that I could resume the newsletters four months later.

This break was a wonderful thing and has allowed me to concentrate fully on my wifely role. And it has been a necessity and a delight to be able to dedicate all my time and energy to this—my priority. Being a daughter in my father’s home and helping him was predominantly an intellectual and sedentary lifestyle. Being a wife in my husband’s home and helping him involves a lot of manual work and is a very active lifestyle. I’ve had a lot to learn. And on top of this, have gone through a very interesting process: the process of leaving behind my father’s vision and taking onboard my husband’s vision.

Before I was married, much of who I was, what I believed and understood was wrapped up in my father’s vision. Since marrying I’ve undergone a surgery of sorts to replace Dad’s vision with Pete’s.

My loyalties had to undergo a change. I was used to thinking that Dad knew best. Now I needed to learn to think that Pete knows best. I used to do things and invest my time in projects according to what I knew Dad would want me to do. Now I needed to be guided by what Pete wanted me to do. When faced with a problem or an option I couldn’t think, “What would Dad have done in this situation?” Now I had to think, “What would Pete do in this situation?” These were exciting times and difficult as during this state of flux—learning to replace one man’s vision with another—the devil would come around and say, “But what about what you want? What about what you think?”

Ephesians 6v14 talks about girding oneself with truth as a spiritual weapon which will help one stand fast against the temptations and lies of the devil. Once again on this journey from Maidenhood to Mrshood I find myself ever so grateful to the Lord for how He brought me home and prodded me to prepare for marriage. The Lord was girding me with truth through the things He was teaching me and the books I was reading so that I could easily bring the truth to mind when presented with the devil’s lies. God is good!

Taking on Pete’s vision is a very exciting thing. Studying him, learning more and more about his vision, his convictions, his desires for our family, our time, our money, our spiritual walk has been, well, romantic! Like RC Sproul Jr says, “the most romantic thing in the world is when a man shares his vision with his wife.”

And this process of becoming more and more one with Pete will continue (!!!) every day I’m sure and as a result our love for one another will grow and our ability to be fruitful for the Lord will increase.

This break from the ID newsletter has not only been wonderful, but more recently proved to be rather necessary too—and this is a big reason why four months came and went and still no newsletters were sent out.

The Lord decided to open up a new area of fruitfulness to us—through multiplying us. He has blessed my womb and is knitting together within a precious child. He is giving Pete an arrow for his quiver, an olive plant for around his table, a blessing to bring up in the fear and nurture of the Lord. This little one is due on 28 December 2008.

When that four month mark drew up and passed I was taking a lesson on morning sickness and nausea! Pete was being my knight in shining armour. Like the thorough gentleman he is, he was changing my sick bowl, putting me to bed with hot water bottles at night, checking on me and leaving me with a walkie talkie so that I could call him if I needed him. One day Pete saw me struggling to do the dishes. My energy was evaporating. He told me to go and lie down and said that he would finish them up after work. Work that day finished at 2am for him. He was overhauling a boiler to heat his kiln to dry out his wood using equipment which needed to be returned the next day so he had to keep working on it until the job was done. When he came in, he saw the dishes and remembering that he said to me that he would do them after work he finished them off before coming to bed close to 3am. That is my husband—my hero—a man described by Psalm 15, “He who swears to his own hurt and does not change…shall never be moved.”

As I am learning about how to help my husband to be fruitful, may I encourage you as you do this too. Perhaps you too are married and learning the best ways you can be a help to your husband. Or perhaps you are learning how you can bless and support your father. Or perhaps you are preparing for marriage and God’s calling to be fruitful within this state by learning new skills now which may be of use to a husband in the future such as accounting, stewardship of money, home maintenance (painting, wallpapering, etc) and decorating, child raising, cooking and more. May God be with us all as we seek to be obedient to Him in this area. May He give us abundant joy in real, God-glorifying fruitfulness.

For the Greater Glory of God through our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ,

Genevieve de Deugd
Issacharian Wife

This is from Genevieve’s email newsletter, Issacharian Daughters. Go here to see archived newsletters, to sign up for future newsletters.

The Marriage of Melissa Keen
Posted April 8, 2008

One of the featured daughters in our documentary, The Return of the Daughters, has made the transition from a daughter in her father’s house to a bride in her husband’s house.

Melissa Keen’s example of devotion to her family and service to the church inspired girls around the world.

Now we’re excited to see how she will transfer her passion for the biblical home and family life into her new role as a wife, and we’re excited about seeing generations of kingdom advancement arising from her union with Justin Turley.

Their wedding alone was a time of great celebration, vision-casting, and victory. God bless Justin and Melissa Turley!

Christian Romance Novels
Posted December 14, 2006

One of the chief intentions of Visionary Daughters is that it would provide opportunities for the older women to teach the younger women, in the spirit of Titus 2. Here is a sterling and timely admonition from a married woman.

Christian Romance Novels and the Dangers Therein

By Mrs. W. A. Carbone

I decided to write about this topic because I, like millions of Christian women, love to read; but did not know enough in the past to practice discernment about what I read.

I grew up in a worldly home and attended church for social reasons (Christmas, Easter) and an occasional showing because it was the proper thing to do. My parents did instill in me a love for reading, but did not direct me on those books I should read, and those that should be left alone. So, I immersed myself in a lot of worthless trash while developing a decent vocabulary.

After coming to know Christ as my Savior, I knew that what I was reading should change, though I still loved and wanted to read. I began to read romance novels written by some popular Christian authors and thought this was alright since these women were Christians, right?

After a few years of reading these novels, I found that my marriage was not as strong or as holy as it should be because I would begin fantasize so often after reading these novels. Nothing graphic, mind you, but things like:

“Why doesn’t my husband look like that?”
“Why doesn’t my husband act like that man?”
“Why doesn’t my husband say those things?”
“Why doesn’t my husband take me to these kinds of places?”
And the list goes on.

I finally realized that Christian romance novels can be the same as the soap operas and romance novels of the world, just sprinkled liberally with scripture verses in attempt to justify the content. In fact, I will boldly say that they are the same as the soap operas and romance novels of the world, just liberally sprinkled with scripture in attempt to justify the content. Though usually not rife with explicit sex, these books will give enough fodder for the mind to wonder and wander off the course of purity and holiness (Philippians 4:8).

For single women this is dangerous. This train of thought will lead to unrealistic expectations for a spouse. For married women this is dangerous. Thoughts will cease from praising our husbands as who they are and who God made them, to -Why aren’t they more like? Why can’t he be like? Why isn’t he like? - and we find ourselves wallowing in a pool of discontent and contempt for our men instead of thankfulness and gratitude for the mate God has given us.

We must test all things, cling to what is good, abhor what is evil. (1Thess 5:21-22)

It is evil to fill our minds with such things as turn our hearts and minds away from the Lord and His will for our lives as godly women. His will is for us is to love our husbands and help them to be the men God desires them to be. We cannot love our husbands or properly prepare for the spouse He would give us when we fill our minds with unrealistic stories which breed discontent, and sometimes lust for what God has not intended for us. We cannot do our future spouse good and not evil when we develop unrealistic expectations based on the world’s view of romance and relationships.

I have stopped reading Christian romance novels and begun to study my Bible and godly literature about how to be a godly wife and mother. My marriage has improved greatly. I have a realistic view of my dear husband and clear direction from God’s word on how I should affirm, encourage, and love him as the man God has given me. I love my husband more today than when we were first married and I am thankful to the Lord for His grace in turning me away from reading novels which pollute the mind and heart.

“Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.” (Philippians 4:8)

“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” (Romans 12:2)

Books I have recently read and recommend:

The Holy Bible

Homemaking by J.R. Miller

Emotional Purity by Heather Arnel Paulsen

So Much More by Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin

Created to Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl (I do not agree with all things here, but it has some good advice in its pages)

Raising Maidens of Virtue by Stacy McDonald ( I am studying this with my daughter and learning at the same time!)

Patrick Henry’s Letter to His Daughter
Posted October 28, 2006

Visionary daughters can smile at the future when they pray for the future, prepare for the future, and trust in the sovereignty of God. Though this letter was written to a girl on the event of her marriage, the advice it contains will be invaluable now to any girl who hopes to help a husband someday, or desires to strengthen and support the men already in her life, whether they be fathers or brothers.

Patrick Henry to his Daughter, Annie

My Dear Daughter,

You have just entered into the state which is replete with happiness or misery. The issue depends upon that prudent, amiable, uniform conduct which wisdom and virtue so strongly recommend on the one hand, or on that imprudence which a want of reflection or passion may prompt on the other. You are allied to a man of honor, of talents, and of an open, generous disposition. You have, therefore, in your power all the essential ingredients of that system of conduct which you ought invariably to pursue if you will now see clearly the path from which you will resolve never to deviate. Our conduct is often the result of whim or caprice-often such as will give us many a pang, unless we see beforehand what is always the most praiseworthy, and the most essential to happiness. The first maxim which you should impress upon your mind is never to control your husband, by opposition, by displeasure, or any other work of anger. A man of sense, of prudence, of warm feelings, cannot, and will not, bear an opposition of any kind which is attended with an angry look or expression. The current of his affection is suddenly stopped; his attachment is weakened, he begins to feel mortification the most pungent; he is belittled in his own eyes; and be assured that the wife who once excites those sentiments in the breast of a husband will never regain the high ground which she might and ought to have retained. When he marries her, if he be a good man, he expects from her smiles, not frowns; he expects to find her one who is not to control him-not to take from him the freedom of acting as his own judgment shall direct, but one who will place such confidence in him as to believe that his prudence is his best guide. Little things that in reality are mere trifles in themselves often produce bickering and even quarrels. Never permit them to be a subject of dispute; yield them with pleasure, with a smile of affection. Be assured, one difference outweighs them all a thousand, or ten thousand times. A difference with your husband ought to be considered as the greatest calamity-as one that is to be studiously guarded against; it is a demon which must never be permitted to enter a habitation where all should be peace, unimpaired confidence, and heartfelt affection. Besides what can a woman gain by her opposition or her indifference? Nothing! But she loses everything; she loses her husband’s respect for her virtues, she loses his love, and with that, all prospect of future happiness. She creates her own misery, and then utters idle and silly complaints, but utters them all in vain. The love of a husband can be retained only by the high opinion which he entertains his wife’s goodness of heart, of her amiable disposition, of the sweetness of her temper, of her prudence, of her devotion to him. Let nothing upon any occasion ever lessen that opinion. On the contrary, it should augment every day; he should have much more reason to admire her for those excellent qualities which will cast lustre over a virtuous woman whose personal attractions are no more. Cultivate your mind by the perusal of books which instruct while they amuse. Do not devote much of your time to novels, history, geography…poetry, moral essays, biography, travels, sermons, and other well written religious productions will not fail to enlarge your understanding, to render you a more agreeable companion, and to exalt your virtue. Mutual politeness between the most intimate friends is essential to that harmony which should never be broken or interrupted. How important, then, it is between man and wife!… I will add that matrimonial happiness does not to be found in wealth, but in minds properly tempered and united to our respective situations. Competency is necessary. All beyond that is ideal. In the management of your domestic concerns let prudence and wise economy prevail. Let neatness, order and judgment be seen in all your different departments. Unite liberality with a just frugality; always reserve something for the hand of charity; and never let your door be closed to the voice of suffering humanity”.